I heard myself defensively saying “we go to lots of playgroups, classes and play dates” before I could stop myself. It was only afterwards that I reflected and realised that the “preschool is good for them socially” wasn’t about my choices, it was about her’s. That a smile was enough. That she was nice. That just like me, she has worries in the back of her head about whether she has done / is doing the right thing.
I’m yet to meet a mum who doesn’t want to feel good about her choices or who doesn’t try to make them for all the right reasons.
I haven’t sent T to preschool because I wanted him to have what I had and because I am lucky enough to be in a position where it is possible. Because I feel I have been able to offer him everything he needs with what is on offer for preschoolers in my area. Because it felt like the right thing for him. Because it fits my skills set (most of the time…) and I enjoy it. And that’s fine.
And the lady I chatted too would have made her choice for different reasons; social reasons obviously and probably a whole host of other good reasons too. And that’s fine too.
And the relative/friend/neighbour who tells you how she got her children to sleep/behave/eat probably aren’t judging you either. Even if it feels like it. And even if they are, the overriding thing they’ll be doing is reassuring themselves. They need to feel that what they did/are doing was the right thing for their children. Because nothing is closer to their hearts than their children. Because they have never done anything before or since that matters as much.
So next time I will try and just smile…
It has to be. Sometimes there are sparks everywhere and you have ideas shooting across your mind; sprinkling stars, fairy dust and the imaginary yet audible giggles and snorts of strangers.
Then the day ends, you sit down, you make that cup of tea, put up your feet, turn on that laptop. You’re ready. There is nothing.
My theory is this; a few things in your head have to be aligned. The emotion has to be intense or at least clear. Happy or sad, amused or annoyed. The brain has to feel it. Or feel a certain mischief. Secondly whether your post is inspired by the positive or otherwise there has to be a certain skip/bounce that makes you able to and want to communicate. Basically verbal parts of the brain have to be lively – is there a vitamin for this?? And all of these things, the emotions, the desire to communicate flow around your personality that then pops out on to the page in your words. There is a fluidity and clarity in your brain. You feel what you write, even if nobody else does! Emotion, communication and personality all together and flowing around.
What can I do to bring my Sunday sparks back? I had SO many ideas on Sunday, like I swear I could have had a month’s blogs written ready, if I only could have sat down. But all I can remember from the pot of fizzing blog posts of futuredom is the phrase “bloggercise”. I decided I would blog all my thoughts walking home Tuesday. I can walk a nice off road route with the buggy by the canal back from toddler music. I would blog while I exercised and they napped. I’d done it before but this was planned; this was bloggercise. And this was the tip of the iceberg. Wtf. Anyway Tuesday came; I had slept twice and been to work since Sunday and there was nothing.
What did I eat on Sunday? Did I rest well Saturday night? What did I do? What is the secret recipe? Next time I will have a pen and paper ready….until next time I leave you. For those of you in the zone I’m well jell.
Own up. As I cried into my plasticine models who knew about free photos? I had no idea about the world of copyright free images and Creative Commons images which are okay to use as long as nobody’s faces are in them??? I thought I had to take photos myself or buy photos or hope that the Guardian didn’t notice or care. I like to think I’m smart but I can be slow to catch on – I didn’t realise that raisins are shrivelled up grapes until well into my twenties. Apparently everyone knows this?? Anyway….
I’m now officially good to go, every post now has a legit image – take a look! And if you like the plasticine images here’s another one! Thanks for keeping my blog quiet but I’m now ready to go viral. Share, share, share.
The more sensitive of you will have by now worked out that my poor mini me is a little sad because her services are no longer needed. Don’t worry I will make sure that she is better off out of it. Modelling with a potato and falling over onto your nose every 10 seconds while I mutter swear words and reshape it can’t have been much fun anyway.
So my new, fun and slightly introverted (the way I do it anyway) hobby continues. How I blog reminds me of those grumpy shopkeepers who don’t like it when customers unintentionally mess up their tidy shelves by buying stuff. Me the blogger, being the grumpy shopkeeper and the customer being anybody in my life (normally my husband in an evening when peace finally descends). The irony hasn’t escaped me; the life you’re blogging about getting in the way of the blog you’re writing. I know I must work on that. Like seriously. Less sleep? Or maybe you get quicker at forming sentences??
The first time I pressed publish, I cringed as what I thought was now out there. Then there was nothing….no visits (virtual or otherwise), no controversy (I think I’m more mundane than controversial anyway). It was just quiet. Really quiet. Rather than disappointment I happily realised I could chat away and people wouldn’t really notice. And then a couple of weeks later a follower…thanks Noor.
After those first couple of weeks I guess it dawns on most people that you aren’t going to be on morning television the very next week talking about your blog and how hard it was to take the decision to stop the day job. But who cares? You’re enjoying it. You’ve got your own little space. And there are fab blogs out there that show you things can grow and you also realise that being small is fun too. If only because nobody really notices you and the people who do are very kind. Plus its different to facebook; it doesn’t feel like showing off, it just feels like sharing, chatting and organising your thoughts. And talking to yourself.
So I forgive you about the whole pixabay / free images thing and I’m sticking around. But please tell me about anything else you guys are doing that I need to know about!